Thursday, March 29, 2007

College Recruit Superstars!

I don't know what those guys at Rivals or Street & Smith's are thinking leaving these obviously 6.66-star recruits off their list but as a public disservice... I will unveil:




La'Jeremiah O'McConner


La'Jeremiah O'McConner Safety
Gainesville (FL) PK Yonge

Ht: 6-foot-0
Wt: 192 lbs
Class: 1987

La'Jeremiah O'McConner reminds you of a Big Ten type Safety, slow and white. O'McConner isn’t the Fastest safety out there , nor the toughest, or smartest, but he makes up for it with his dominating breath. He is really slow off the ball, plays slower, however uses leverage well, and will likely approach but gingerly dodge any receiver coming over the middle to make it appear like he was in the play.. O'McConner is just a disruptive force in the bathroom and not too many people can handle what he has at this level. He can’t catch and plays both the run and pass very poorly.

Strengths
Killing Time
BBQ (Cooking & Eating)
Sandwich Selection

Weaknesses
Hangover Recory
Dance Moves
Breath

Braant Patongo


Braant Patongo Linebacker
Okemos High School (MI)
Ht: 5-foot-10
Wt: 235 lbs
Class: 1997

Braant Patongo is known for his bad angles and poor judgment. His junior season he set as CAAC record for consecutive missed tackles in a game with 18. Known around the league as an arm tackler, Braant has been labeled as a “complete skirt” by most coaches, including his own. Brant also apparently has no understanding of the game and lacks the speed or technique to make up for it. For what Braant lacks on the field he makes up for in front of the fridge. His reckless and aggressive eating style should translate onto the football field in the future. Braant has been out of HS for 9 years now and so what talent he might have had is most likely gone.

Strengths
Pre-game drinking
Sleeping
Sandwich selection

Weaknesses
No macking game
Dance moves
Orima

Khorey Chastelainenberg



Khorey Chastelainenberg Wide Receiver
John Curtis Christian, River Ridge, La.
Ht: 5-foot-7 1/2" 158 lbs.
Class: 1993

Khorey Chastelainenberg is your prototypical possession receiver- white, a step slow but with great hands, runs good routes & is very intelligent & knows how to play his position to the best of his wanting ability. Listed at 5'8" but really is only 5'7 1/2" but plays more like he's 5'7 11/16." Lack of strength in his upper body can lead him to getting jammed off the line in man press coverage but can make up for it by not showing up in big games. Chastelainenberg also lacks in the vertical leap department but luckily is witty & can use "irony" properly. Also has a propensity to choke when talking to cheerleaders and danceline members after the game & doesn't like to be called "white." Chastelainenberg can easily go from happy to angry in 4.27 sec in the mood swing 40 yd. dash. If comparing to college or other NFL receivers, think a shorter, angrier Travis McGriff or a lot slower Don Beebe who doesn't land on his head every other month.

Strengths
Can act like he knows what going on at all times
Video games
Encyclopedic knowledge of ethnic & racial slurs

Weaknesses
Doesn't give enough of a shit sometimes
Taunts redtarded people & the homeless
Voted for George W. Bush twice


Johnvester Croomreath



Johnvester Croomreath, TE
Height: 6’ 0” in cleats on concrete
Weight: 230 during weekdays
Class: 1995

Show this player a cold beer on a hot day and watch him tear off the line like a bat out of hell…..women and children be damned. Shows no restraint and is hard to stop once this slow footed receiver gets it going at a tailgate. Has been known to get after it with enough gusto that he can’t find his way home after a big game. Makes up for the credit card vertical leap with a belly check that flattens entire buffet lines. Caught exactly one scoring pass for his high school career and blames it on the left handed QB. Mature player for his age in that he has the body of a 49 year old man.



Strengths
Massive beer consumption
Arguing after said consumption
Looking at college girls without being detected

Weaknesses
Low liquor tolerance
Hair loss
Perennially rooting for losers

Tobeauven Alanrayke


Tobeauven Alanrayke Quarterback/Kicker/Devourer of Souls
Halliburton Prep, King Bush New World Order Complex Enclave 3, Antarctica
Hgt: 8-foot-2" 658 lbs.
Class: 2006

Tobeauven Alandrayke is a freak of specimen. By "freak of specimen," we mean literally a "freak." as in monsters & freaks. You do not want to be anywhere near a pile when this guy comes around. He will eat you. Literally. You do not want to attempt an interception of one of his passes, it will sever your arm from your torso or we will vomit acidic flesh-eating bile on you for even trying. At best, he can possibly play one, perhaps two games in his college career before Godzilla is called in before he destroys mankind & Pac-10 states, much less their defenses. Excellent hygiene & table manners, ironically enough. May be worth a risk for a program in trouble.

Strengths
Nearly unstoppable athletic ability by humans
Table manners (specifically, salad fork identification)
Bioengineered by top Chinese scientists

Weaknesses
Needs to work on occupational & nation-building infrastructure strategies
Drawn to flames like most insectoids
Needs to learn not to get caught devouring children


(Thanks to, J.C., J.G. & B.P. for helping write this tomfoolery.)













Sports... Updates Of Other Sundry Happenstances

Rangers lost to the Canadiens on tuesday, 6-4... after jumping up 2-0 in the 1st, Canadiens just absolutely dominated the 2nd scoring 5 unaswered goals. Rangers tallied 2 more to draw within 1 before Montreal scored a 6th to deflate any Rangers comeback. Still in 6th in the East but nothing's cut & dried yet... lot of work ahead for the Rangers with no easy games left...

Saints re-signed Terrance Copper recently & also sign some safety named Kevin Kaveerjsihssiehsesmesmsmiainannnan or something to that effect...

MLB season right around the corner...

Passport came in so the trip to Mexico for ym friends' Steven & Amy's wedding is on & I'm uberultramegastoked for that. Will get to spend the entire weekend at a top notch resort with several hotties floating around... hopefully they lika small spare tire & proto-man boobs...

Cox Cable is coming tomorrow to hook up digital & da intranet & da telemafone...

I cooked crabmeat stuffed salmon pinwheels tonight...

Monday, March 26, 2007

USA Men's National Soccer Team defeats Ecuador, 3-1

The Good 'Ol U S of A defeated Ecuador yesterday in an international friendly match, 3-1. Captain Landon Donovan scored a hat trick baggin all 3 goals of the match to lead the Yanks over their opponents.

I didn't get to see the match b/c of the brilliance of Cox Cable's scheduling & accounting practices so I've only read about the match but apparently Little Magic Handsome Man played extremely well & from the couple articles I've read, the US dominated the match for stretches & according to a friend of mine, could've easily won, 6-1.

I just wish Little Magic Handsome man would play relaxed like that all the time & not get tense & pusehd around & then disappear in big matches like he did in the World Cup against the Czech Republic & Ghana. It's been a bad habit of Donovan's throughout his career & for somebody who is national team captain it's not a good trait to have & he really needs to eradicate that from his game if he's ever to be a truly World Class player. Just my opinion though, I guess...

He's little... He's magic... he's handsome...

He's 'Little Magic Handsome Man!'

Rangers In 6th After Beating The Fishsticks!

Holy Hell, the Rangers have gone from 11th to 6th in the Eastern Conference standings in only a few weeks... the Playoff Bandwagon is running full steam ahead right now!
The New York Rangers defeated their arch-rival New York Fishsticks yesterday 2-1 on an overtime powerplay goal with from center Michael Nylander. Nylander scored the goal off a deflection from a Brendan Shanahan shot with under a minute left in the overtime period. Big Bruiser Colton Orr picked up the other goal for the Rangers. Some talentless douchebag scored for the Fishsticks.

It always feels good beating the Fishsticks no matter the records of either the Rangers or the Isles & it especially is nice when you beat them & take a step further to getting into the playoffs & also making it harder for the Fishies themselves to get into the playoffs.

Take dat, Di Pietro!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Just A Thought On Opinion Polls...

Why do people concern themselves so much with opinion polls of the general population when?:

1. Most Americans are so ignorant of geography & history, especially world geography & history, in general &

2. The falling education standards in this country...

B/c THAT's what I want... to take heed the opinion of a high school dropout or a functionally illiterate person with 4th grade reading level's opinion on things such as health care, foreign policy, the economy, etc.....

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Income Taxes!




I got my taxes done over the weekend by my good friends, Ray & Erin, who own & operate a franchise location of Liberty Tax service in Middleburg, FL (I hate you, Middleburg!). Come to find out the lovely State of Louisiana charged me for state income tax for the entire year last year even though I've lived in Florida since September '05.... Great government in action again! The beauty of this snafu in the end will be, that the goofy bobbleheaded governor of Louisiana, Kathleen Babineaux "Bobblehead" Blanco will end up sending me back my money to help pay towards King Bush & the Republicans. Gotta love it!... if I can get my damn money back in the 1st place!


Pay the good King Buuuuush, Bobblehead! The Hell with all these taxes! Pass the Fair Tax, damnit! Please visit www.fairtax.org

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Gator Thrilla In Manilla Winner To Face Voltron





In a bout that will no doubt go down in Gator Nation lore as the fight to end all fights, Gorgax Leakbow (#50 pictured above, aka Albert) squares off against Dinoah Donokim (#24 above, aka Albert) in the North American Giganto-Anthropormorphic Ultimate Fighting Championships this saturday night in Manilla Marsh. The bout was moved from Gator Nation so as neither Gigantgator could claim home swamp advantage.

Gorgax Leakbow comes into this bout hot off the heels of a thrashing of Brutus Troyeye in January and when asked about facing his friend, Gorgax said, "Fooball king. Gorgax king. Me like Dinoah. But fooball king. Gorgax king." However, Leakbow refused to comment on recent allegations that he mauled & hospitalized a German tourist & his Filipino ladyboy companion earlier this year which may cast clouds of controversy over this upcoming fight.

Dinoah Donokim, known for his extravagant behavior & dancing before, during & after fights was quoted as saying, "Hey! Gorgax ain't got nothing! We all the best, baby! It's just I'm a little better of the best, you know what I'm saying? Watch this.... (quirky, gangling dance) How you gonna compete with that? You can't! Gorgax's time is over! Dinoah on the block now, baby!"

Promoter of the fight Don King, who is never short of words, said of the fight, "Gator Nation is in elation with all the anticipation & prognostication of this fighting situation. There isn't a doubt that this will be their favorite bout and all Gators everywhere will come to scream & shout. Only in America!" Don King seemed unfazed & apathetic when reminded the fight wasn't in America.

With the winner of the highly anticipated match of both sides of Gator Nation to go on to face Voltron, the current Champion of the Universe responded, "Hey, I'm Voltron, Defender of the Universe. Not just Voltron. Get it right. I've faced all manner of robeasts in my day. In fact, I was facing off with & slaying robeasts back when Gorgax and Dinoah were in diapers back in the 80s. I'm fucking Voltron, Defender of the Universe, bitches. Of. The. Universe! Capice? Not just some piddly college town, not just some nation, or even a planet. The Universe. The whole damn thing that encompasses everything. Now get out of here before I break both of my lion feet off in your asses! I'm fucking Voltron, y'heard me?

He's fucking Voltron. Y'heard him?

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Isis, Torche & Intronaut Show At The Common Grounds

After the Sparta show selling out on saturday night debacle, I purchased my ticket for the Isis show online monday night & picked it up at will call. As it was my 1st foray to The Common Grounds, technically 2nd foray; ok, 1st foray IN The Common Grounds & my 1st metal show in Gainesville, I didn't know what to expect. While The Common Grounds has a name reminiscent of a low level horse racing track in Manitoba or something, it actually is quaint little setup for music shows and pretty decently CLEAN bathrooms. Hooray for that! Couple this with arriving early enough to find a parking spot free of charge on the street a block over & the night had started out much better than saturday's turd of a day. On to the show...

1st band was Intronaut hailing from Los Angeles. I had only heard of them before & was unaware of what type of metal they play. Deadtide.com's (http://www.deadtide.com/index.php) 2 reviews for Intronaut describe them as a mathy Isis or a cross between Meshuggah & Neurosis (http://www.deadtide.com/reviews/albums/page.php?id=3014, http://www.deadtide.com/reviews/albums/page.php?id=3473). I didn't really catch that but then again, the lack of clearer sounds at a live metal show (and the beers!) might be blamed for that. Anyway, I couldn't really pinpoint their brand although there seemed to be elements of grind & groove forms of metal. However, I couldn't really get into too many of their riffs but I will say their drummer was pretty kick ass with the double bass (biddle-biddle-pap-pap! biddle-biddle-pap-pap!). Growling vocals, check. Double bass drums, check. At least one member with long hair, check. Loud, roaring guitar, check. Bobbing heads when band members play, check. Short on pompous & annoying dialogue with the crowd, check. Yep, these guys were full metal. Overall, though I'd only give them a slight above average grade, b/c as stated before, I just couldn't get into most of their riffs apart from a couple groovier things they did.

Devil horns for Intronaut: \m/\m/\m/ (3 out of 5)

Middle band was Torche. Whom I knew absolutely nothing about. After seeing them play, with good reason. Doom-laced Stoner Metal. Ok, now for anybody who reads this & is a Doom or a Stoner Metal fan, don't get all in a tizzy b/c it's just not my cup of tea for a number of reasons: Stoner Metal just always sounds like I could do it pretty easily myself as it tends to sound like one big jam session of power chord progressions & hammer-on riffs. Which isn't to say it's bad, it's just a little too simplistic for my musical taste & if I am going to listen to that kind of stuff I'm going to listen to the great bands of it such as Black Sabbath, High On Fire, Cathedral, etc. They certainly had the most energy of the 3 bands & they definitely hopped up & down & bobbed their heads like they were on angel dust rather than pot! Bwaha!

Devil horns for Torche: \m/ 1/2

Finally, the headliner, Isis, and their interesting brand of almost otherworldy, atmospheric but with still pummeling heavy guitar parts metal. While I only got into Isis about 4 or 5 months ago, if even that long, they are quickly becoming one of my favorite bands. However, personally, this kind of metal is in my opinion better listened to in the quiet, dark where all it's layers & nuances can unravel themselves properly instead of getting lost in the shuffle of live sounds & acoustics. However, Isis on a few occasions last night in a live setting was still able to invoke those sad but slightly hopeful introspective moments that their occasional melodic passages can do on their cds but just not as strongly or with as much conviction as when you're alone & in the aforementioned quiet... Honestly, I was slightly disappointed with Isis, however, I admittedly had pretty high expectations & a disappointing Isis is like winning a silver medal in the Olympics- still pretty damn good.

Devil horns for Isis: \m/\m/\m/\m/

Notes: Very pleased with the # of good looking chicks (albeit of the metal & alternative persuasion) at such a small show. There was at least a dozen in attendance last night counting the gorgeous in a morose metal kind of way chick working the ticket counter & the perky-for-an-emo-or-metal-chick bartender (thanks for the freebie extra bottled water, Angel!)... No mosh pit! Interesting! Either these bands' fans do not mosh or Gainesville has a pretty knowledgeable metal scene where the devotees are more into the music & less into how much de facto fighting they can do in a mosh pit! Or... just a case of lucky happenstance... d'oh (TBD)!... There was a guy in attendance hobbling around on crutches! Either he's a hockey player or he's full fucking metal! How awesome is that? A guy hobbling around on crutches (and drinking!)! You ain't gonna see that at some teenie bopper show, baby!... As always- where does all the money in your pocket go? How can 8 beers & a bottled water cost $50?? 7 Miller lites on special at $2 a pop plus tip every other one is $17. One Blue Moon plus tip was $5. One Wetelgeize,l or whatever the hell that good (albeit too sweet for beer #8) Belgian beer was suggested by Angel, plus tip was $5. Bottled water plus $3 tip for the freebie one puts us up to $32. Stupid idiot move of buying a pack of cigarettes in the hopes it may spark one of the chicks to bum one was $5, I think. I came home with $2 in my pocket which leaves $11 unaccounted for! Damn government accountants and/or pork belly spending! Where'd that $11 go??...

Notable attendees of the show included: Scraggly-Haired Metal Alan, Metal Lindsay, Dreadlocks And Tatted To The Max But Still Strangely Hot Chick, Young Might Be Out Of Place Raquel Welch Look-A-Like, Token Pissed Off Because He Feels He Has To Be Metal Guy, Obligatory Jesus Look-A-Like Metal Dude, Token Quasi-Gay Metalcore Haircut Weenie, and of course, as always, Crazy Fake Hair Color Chick.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I'm Pissed Again! Shocker, I Know!

Had to do a system restore over the weekend b/c my computer went kaput & got some corrupt registry file. On top of that I couldn't go see Sparta at the Common Grounds on Saturday night b/c they were sold out... go figure. SO just an all around crap of a weekend. Hooray for crap!

Thursday, March 1, 2007

I'm Still Blogging!

Don't leave folks! I still dorkingly blog, I've just been busy with moving into a new condo!

More to follow...