College Recruit Superstars!

I don't know what those guys at Rivals or Street & Smith's are thinking leaving these obviously 6.66-star recruits off their list but as a public disservice... I will unveil:

La'Jeremiah O'McConner

La'Jeremiah O'McConner Safety
Gainesville (FL) PK Yonge
Ht: 6-foot-0
Wt: 192 lbs
Class: 1987

La'Jeremiah O'McConner reminds you of a Big Ten type Safety, slow and white. O'McConner isn’t the Fastest safety out there , nor the toughest, or smartest, but he makes up for it with his dominating breath. He is really slow off the ball, plays slower, however uses leverage well, and will likely approach but gingerly dodge any receiver coming over the middle to make it appear like he was in the play.. O'McConner is just a disruptive force in the bathroom and not too many people can handle what he has at this level. He can’t catch and plays both the run and pass very poorly.

Strengths
Killing Time
BBQ (Cooking & Eating)
Sandwich Selection

Weaknesses
Hangover Recory
Dance Moves
Breath

Braant Patongo

Braant Patongo Linebacker
Okemos High School (MI)
Ht: 5-foot-10
Wt: 235 lbs
Class: 1997

Braant Patongo is known for his bad angles and poor judgment. His junior season he set as CAAC record for consecutive missed tackles in a game with 18. Known around the league as an arm tackler, Braant has been labeled as a “complete skirt” by most coaches, including his own. Brant also apparently has no understanding of the game and lacks the speed or technique to make up for it. For what Braant lacks on the field he makes up for in front of the fridge. His reckless and aggressive eating style should translate onto the football field in the future. Braant has been out of HS for 9 years now and so what talent he might have had is most likely gone.

Strengths
Pre-game drinking
Sleeping
Sandwich selection

Weaknesses
No macking game
Dance moves
Orima

Khorey Chastelainenberg

Khorey Chastelainenberg Wide Receiver
John Curtis Christian, River Ridge, La.
Ht: 5-foot-7 1/2" 158 lbs.
Class: 1993

Khorey Chastelainenberg is your prototypical possession receiver- white, a step slow but with great hands, runs good routes & is very intelligent & knows how to play his position to the best of his wanting ability. Listed at 5'8" but really is only 5'7 1/2" but plays more like he's 5'7 11/16." Lack of strength in his upper body can lead him to getting jammed off the line in man press coverage but can make up for it by not showing up in big games. Chastelainenberg also lacks in the vertical leap department but luckily is witty & can use "irony" properly. Also has a propensity to choke when talking to cheerleaders and danceline members after the game & doesn't like to be called "white." Chastelainenberg can easily go from happy to angry in 4.27 sec in the mood swing 40 yd. dash. If comparing to college or other NFL receivers, think a shorter, angrier Travis McGriff or a lot slower Don Beebe who doesn't land on his head every other month.

Strengths
Can act like he knows what going on at all times
Video games
Encyclopedic knowledge of ethnic & racial slurs

Weaknesses
Doesn't give enough of a shit sometimes
Taunts redtarded people & the homeless
Voted for George W. Bush twice

Johnvester Croomreath

Johnvester Croomreath, TE
Height: 6’ 0” in cleats on concrete
Weight: 230 during weekdays
Class: 1995

Show this player a cold beer on a hot day and watch him tear off the line like a bat out of hell…..women and children be damned. Shows no restraint and is hard to stop once this slow footed receiver gets it going at a tailgate. Has been known to get after it with enough gusto that he can’t find his way home after a big game. Makes up for the credit card vertical leap with a belly check that flattens entire buffet lines. Caught exactly one scoring pass for his high school career and blames it on the left handed QB. Mature player for his age in that he has the body of a 49 year old man.

Strengths
Massive beer consumption
Arguing after said consumption
Looking at college girls without being detected

Weaknesses
Low liquor tolerance
Hair loss
Perennially rooting for losers

Tobeauven Alanrayke

Tobeauven Alanrayke Quarterback/Kicker/Devourer of Souls
Halliburton Prep, King Bush New World Order Complex Enclave 3, Antarctica
Hgt: 8-foot-2" 658 lbs.
Class: 2006

Tobeauven Alandrayke is a freak of specimen. By "freak of specimen," we mean literally a "freak." as in monsters & freaks. You do not want to be anywhere near a pile when this guy comes around. He will eat you. Literally. You do not want to attempt an interception of one of his passes, it will sever your arm from your torso or we will vomit acidic flesh-eating bile on you for even trying. At best, he can possibly play one, perhaps two games in his college career before Godzilla is called in before he destroys mankind & Pac-10 states, much less their defenses. Excellent hygiene & table manners, ironically enough. May be worth a risk for a program in trouble.

Strengths
Nearly unstoppable athletic ability by humans
Table manners (specifically, salad fork identification)
Bioengineered by top Chinese scientists

Weaknesses
Needs to work on occupational & nation-building infrastructure strategies
Drawn to flames like most insectoids
Needs to learn not to get caught devouring children


(Thanks to, J.C., J.G. & B.P. for helping write this tomfoolery.)