2007 Tasty Nuggets, Edition 1B

Mmmmmmmm.... Tasty!

Yes, folks, it is time... the time we've all been eagerly waiting for like kids with cookie crumbs falling from ourmouths on Christmas morning ready to tear into the gifts we'd be done playing with in 2 days. FOOOOOOOOOOOOZBALL.

1st off, as always, quick rundown for the newbies on the list- ten 10 picks I think are some of the bst per week but concentrating on the SEC, where the real men play unlike, ahem, powerhouses like Grambling were Gods play.... (tongue removed from cheek) But as we all know the Gods use mortal men as pawns in their nefarious cosmic games, so we all don't like them. Moving on...

If you're easily offended, go away. Come back when you fix your ACLU bunched panties & can take it like a man.

Last Year's Record(s) (ATS is "against the spread" & LOW is "lock of the week")

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Straight Up: 99-36 (.733)

ATS: 74-56-5 (.567; thanks again Championship week nosedive!)

LOW: 8-6 (.571)

LSU -17 over Mississippi St.- Boy, it's a good thing LSU is playing MSU (S) instead of Grambling! I'd be scared... Scared to play in a rickety stadium with rocks on the field... Take your pictures now, for this is perhaps the farewell voyage of the S.S. Slytanic. Cowbellers may be fed up with Sylvester Croom despite the hypnotizing power of his walrusesque mustache & may sack him after the season. See? I used "sack" like the English journalists to show off my multicultural journalistic sesquipedalianism. Hurrah for pomposity! LSU 31, Mississippi St. 13

Beware of the icebergs known as "Glenn Dorsey & Tyson Jackson"

Troy +24 at Arkansas- Despite Humanity Advanced, Trojans Lite beat the 24 & causes Arkansas to be in for some ribbing. Get it? Trojans? Ribbed? Hello? Go kick some puppies, you killjoys. Arkansas 34, Troy 20

This. Is. Sparta! Wait, I'm sorry...
This. Is. Troy!

Auburn -13.5 over Kansas St.- I usually always pick against Auburn in the opener since they tend to be slow starters. Not this year, I'll give the 13.5 to K. St. which is a school started by Nolan Ryan. Get it? Ks.... BTW, good luck with that kiss of death of my endorsement, Auburn Auburn 30, Kansas St. 14

Nolan Ryan giving Robin Ventura the business.
Robin Ventura went to... Oklahoma State

Tennessee +6 vs. California- Despite being held in custody from an order by a 9th Circuit Judge for violation of separation of church & state & a heretofor unknown clause against wearing hunter's orange in an enviro-nazi district, the Vols & Phil Phulmer triumph over the Berkeley Bears when Cal players suddenly find Jesus which sends the atheists in Berkeley into a tizzy & the Cal players get sudden obesity from eating Fulmer's donuts. Tennessee 24, Mexifornia 21

Ancient map showing the sites of Sodom & Gomorrah

UTEP +3 vs. New Mexico- It was once written that the Egyptian Pharoah, Ahmenhotep had a nephew who forsake his Egyptian homeland & set sail across the seas in search of a new home. The Egyptians mocked him & thought he had perished into the vast oceans or was taken by one of its many creatures or denizens of the sea. Nay, there were wrong. That nehpews name was UTEP & he found a new land where he established a school in his name, UTEP. Saturday just so happens to be the anniversary date of this imaginary man, UTEP, his founding of the school UTEP 35, New Mexico 34

A page from UTEP's playbook.

Notre Dame -2.5 over Georgia Tech- Despite GaTech finally rid of Reggie Ball & his immense talent for snatching defeats from the jaws of victory & with the game being played in South Bend & their meddling trickster spirits, the Golden Domers & their Illimunati conspiracy rolls on as offensive genius guru master sensai, Charlie Weis puts in...... uhhhh... somebody besides Emu Clausen & he rips off a stellar 19 for 45 for 260 yds. 3 TDs & 3 INT performance which automatically vaults him into the lead for the Heisman since everybody knows that Notre Dame players are automatic legends. Notre Dame 27, Georgia Tech 17

Notre Dame's trophy... named after a Georgia Tech player

Idaho +45 1/2 vs. USC- I know I'm supposed to have taken my ESPN pill but I refused & my indoctrinative orb's light was burned out, so to thumb my nose at ESPN's Orwellian control of college football as a subsidiary of Gloved Rat Globalcorp (credit: EDSBS), I say, sure! I'm a sucker! I'll take the 45 1/2! Learn me that this pick is doubleplusbad, Globalcorp! USC 56, Idaho 17

Song girls... stare into their eyes to be hypnotized by Gloved Rat Globalcorp

East Carolina +27.5 vs. Virginia Tech- Sorry, I ain't on the solidarity with Va Tech bandwagon. Not when I think that the situaiton was a perfect example for an argument against stricter gun control since Cho proved yet again that criminals don't follow laws no matter what you write & that stricter laws only hurt law abiding citizens & increase the scope of those who are now in violation of a law... anywho, Sean Glennon 5ucks.... big time. Virginia Tech 31, East Carolina 7

Sean Glennon may need a gun to protect himself against LSU's Defense

Oklahoma St. +6.5 vs. Georgia- Despite Matt Stafford giving fat kids everywhere hopes of being the man at a big time SEC skewl, his tubbyQBness can't do enough to cover the near TD spread. Okie St. does an Okie Dokie job of containing Stafford long enough to almost steal this game. Then it is told to the Socialists Windbags at the UN that Okie St. are "the cowboys" & the UN points out that Dubya is a "cowboy" which then causes global perception & media appeal to cause a backlash against Okie St in the 4th qtr. This causes much boo-hooing in the flat state of Oklahoma. Then Uga takes a big dump on the field & everybody laughs.... but Okie St. still loses... Georgia 26, Oklahoma St. 23

"President says 'bet on Gurgia' "

Clemson +3.5 vs. Florida St.- Jimbo Fisher was brought in to fix FSU's offense & improve on their Tecmo Bowl depth playcalling & he'll no doubt do that. But not yet. Early edition for the Bowden Bowl this year & Death Valley B team upsets ol' Papa. Also, C.J. Spiller has a TD that isn't counted as he outruns the speed of sound, causes a sonic boom which knocks over the officials, so they call the play back. Clemson 21, Florida St. 20

Hey diddy, we can go to the FSU circus afterwards?

No Top 25 poll the 1st week. I want to see the teams play before I pass judgement on most of them but just know that the top teams as of now are USCESPN, LSU, and of course, Grambling.