Ohmigod, you guys, you don't know what torture is until you like spend a few days in jail & you have to eat jail food & ohmigosh there was even a couple times where I saw a roach. It was so disgusting, you guys. And like they make you wear this hideous clothing like what a homesless person would wear & they don't even give you any designer grooming products. So don't go to jail if you like, don't have to, you guys, it's so not hot.
Ohmigosh, there is so many things I have missed in my long stay in jail. Like I'm going to go run out & buy all the Prada I can & then I'm going to go on like a weekend long binge of ice cream but still puke it up you guys, don't worry & then like I'm going to go visit O.J. to see if he has any advice on the post-jail experience & like how to get on with your life & stuff. Ohmigosh, you guys, I also forgot I'm going to have like a huge party & you can all come, even like the people I would normally turn down or give "as if!" to in a club & we're gonna have the bestest time evER, you guys. Oh & I'm also going to go smoke some weed & snort some lines b/c they didn't have any of that in prison either! Well, not any stuff that I do. Snort impure stuff? As if! Not hot!"
Be nice to drug addicts & homeless people & criminals because you may end up with them in jail one day. Also, make sure you're pretty and if you can, be famous too, so you like get a different justice than like poor people and stuff. Oh, and like next time if this happens again, I'm like going to go get that lady teacher in Florida's lawyer b/c he got her no jail time for like raping boys & stuff & she was pretty too. So I guess that's what I would say- be pretty & rich & like turn a smile upside down or something & be nice to the judge & swallow if he bribes you to get out of jail. I just gave him head & he still sent me to prison, you guys.
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