Much Disappointment Tonight...

The New York Rangers lost their 2nd round opener tonight 4-2, to the Buffalo Sabres. Except for the 1st 10 minutes or so in the opening period, the Sabres definitely lived up to their reputation of being faster & more aggressive in the offensive. The Rangers had a few chances early to get a lead on the Sabres but Ryan Miller played extremely well in net for the Sabres & only gave up 2 goals late on (goals by Hossa & Shanahan for the Rangers) when the game was already decided.

Rangers need to bounce back quickly & regain the aggressive style of play that got them past Atlanta.

Biggest disappointment of the night was seeing an utterly beautiful young lady of that olive skinned, possibly Mediterranean ancestry that I just get so easily & utterly smittened with, I mean she was absolutely gorgeous & I chickened out yet again in talking to somebody that I wanted to. I hate myself for consistenly doing this. I hate for not doing something I claimn to want to do & then backing out. I hate that I don't ever seem to get enough support from friends to ever want to be wingman enough to help me go talk to somebody. I'm tired of it. I'm fed up with it. I'm sick & tired of being sick & tired of myself. Fuck being "too young," she was drinking, she had to be at least 18! I'm 32. Who fucking cares? It's hard enough to meet people as it is & then we go & confine ourselves, restrict our options byu putting ourselves in these forced strategies... What the fuck am I supposed to look for? 28-32? 26-32? 24-32? 22-32? Fuck it all. I'm fed up. She was beautfiul, I wanted to talk to her. Why the fuck can't I ever bring myself to cross the threshold & take it upon myself to attempt that? The irony of which, I'm so confident of my abilities in every thing else save this- women. I'm tired of getting talked out of things like this, when my main motto in life is "most people are wrong, trust yourself."

I don't think people understand the depth of the loneliness of which I feel. It is so deep, I can't describe it. I have never dated anybody. I have never been in love & had it reciprocated, I have never made love. I was so drunk the couple times I think I had sex that I don't even recall if I even had sex. I am fed up. I am tired of it. I am so utterly lonely people can not comprehend it.

Where are you? Where are you, my love? The search is so daunting, so frustrating. FUCK! I want to make love to somebody. I hate having so much passion & desire & not having a proper outlet that it gets turned into anger & frustration.

My Mediterranean Beauty... if you go to Gainesville Ale House regularly on Wednesday nights, I swear to you, at some point, I will talk to you. Fuck everybody else. Fuck their self-inflicted constraints, fuck their advice. You were so lovely, you would inspire poetry, you would inspire art, you would inspire beauty... you do or did inspire them all... I am just too weak of mind & not enough of a real man to be courageous enough to be vulnerable & unscared of failure & rejection enough to approach you... For that, I hate myself...